After the perfect substitute for a rainy walk and the bizarrest NYE yet (no, really. We had a wedding, stargazing from the roof, people standing in ponds thinking it was gravel - how I love you Toria Keegan -, canaries in baskets and sleeping in broken glass) the 'terrible teens' have begun. I was sitting reading last years resolutions, with the resounding theme being to 'discover myself and capture God.' It made me pretty sad, I guess, above other emotions because about a month ago that goal was so close I could almost taste it on my tongue. But then I lost someone that meant the world to me, and who (I realised at her funeral) I had been banking on being a face present throughout my future. And that shook me right to the core of me, and I lost myself a little bit. Slipped all too easily back into murky bad habits I thought I'd been rid of forever and into a mindset all too natural and familiar to me.
It frustrates me that I'd made so much progress on becoming a real, honest follower of Jesus and thought that my faith ran pretty deep to have it snapped right back to the place I was on the cusp of 2007. But instead of being all trauma-y about it, my resolution this year is to become genuine.
To have a faith in God so inbedded in my heart that it's like a layer of steel under the fragile life I lead, and to really, truly know my own head and heart and developed a silent but unshakable faith there too. To rid myself of jealousy and fear of being replaced. To explore my own creativity. To really believe I'm loved and live accordingly.
I was reading some pretty inspiring stuff from some people who just seem to have the whole 'holy and distinctive' thing figured out in a way I doubt I ever will, about shunning materialism and starting revolutions and I often find myself feeling less revitalised and more overwhelmingly guilty for not being like that. But unlike so many people, to me religion should not = guilt, but freedom. So I'm starting from the beginning, no grand statements, no profound conclusions, just a fresh start. I figured going back to my favourite Psalm 139 was as good a place as ever, so watch this space.
Anyway, here are my list of other resolutions for this year
Start writing properly again, instead of being lazy and only doing it when I'm forced to
Learn to love my body
Download all the back catalogues of bands that inspire me
Grow my hair
Read through my 'American classics' reading list
Read more poetry
Stop eating utter junk and doing fack all exercise just relying on luck to keep me healthy
Weed out the people that aren't good for me
Catch up with really old and really true friends
Start watching 'Monk'
Find the balance between loving fashion and rampant consumerism
Dig out old art books
Go on more romantic, spontaneous and quirky dates
Start something that excites me and changes things
Go to art exhibitions, plays and watch live music at its best regardless of genre