Thursday, 31 December 2009

Best of 2009

It's closing in on two, I'm in my sweats and my really rather super vixen tshirt with an indulgently large glass of (parentally sponsored) white wine watching the first series of the big bang theory to try and rebuff the fear that comes with careering headfirst into the third decade of my existence.
Some pure, unadulterated highlights:
- Reading 2009, three slightly unsanitary days of music, music, bonfires, cider and music
- getting my act together enough to pass my A Levels and kiss goodbye to Tonbridge Grammar School for girls (with - for me - impressively few tears) for good
- The acest birthday ever
- 'Geeks and Freeks' night, Richard 'le saucy' Coatsworth playing me electric feel after hours of pleading, Fia trying to unpin her shorts enough to pee, cartwheels, vomit and takeaway pizza
- an unconventional valentines day and the demise of my favourite boots
- writing a song that gives me chills to listen back to
- SH09, meeting some fairly inspiring people and stripping my faith back to the radical basics
- a summer spent outside and still managing to remain the palest person you'll meet
- Paris. Beautiful, hilarious and perfect in a really cool, fucked up way
- the party that time forgot
- Three weeks immersing myself in American culture and counterculture, picking up some fairly awesome treats en route
- Finding a faux Luella dress for prom
- The fact that there were llamas at our prom
- A prom spent singing Bon Jovi with the greatest people
- Blowing more money in Topshop than I care to recount
- Discovering an entire genre of bands that kick copious amounts of ass without ever missing a beat or getting a perfectly coiffed hair out of place
- A week in New-key, seagulls, slightly dubious clubs and extremely dubious cocktails
- Spending a whole year head over mary-janes in love
- Starting a new job that simultaneously gives back and I enjoy doing
- Pretending to be mature enough to go for dinner before people start their uni adventures then ending up with an all-you-can-eat takeaway buffet picnic in Sainsbury's car park
- Freaking finally passing my bleeding driving test (well, they DO say fourth time lucky. Sometimes)
- The winter wonderland of Diciembre '09
- A pretend Christmas that rivalled the real one for the 'warm fuzzy' feelings

Thanks to everyone that made this year the best yet, let's make 2010 our year.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

my heart is a wasp's nest

and i feel like it's breaking when i think about it.
i can't go on hurting like this

I gasp like sugar and spice

Totally not what any of us were expecting, but we had an ace night.
We blew off the 'hottest' club night Sunny Tunny has to offer in favour of mooching around in High Brooms. Highlights include Richard nearly killing me while me and Franz Kafka hunted down some nachos (AND WE ATE THE EFFING JALAPENOS AND NEARLY KILLED OURSELVES then realised that the cheese was gross and stringy so left the remains for the hedgehogs), ''jizzy mittens'', my first drive thru experience, honking repeatedly at greasey teens in gilets, running around the massive Tescos hunting for 'the Grand Drapper' only to be sorely disappointed, running barefoot through snow, drinking Buttercup cough syrup (do you remember the song?) and too many quotes to possibly recount.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

The quiet things that no one ever knows

The world always looks like a much nicer place when it first starts getting light.
Due to a bizarre and unpredicted twist of fate, I ended up in a quintessential 'Kentish' town at just past seven am this morning, with nothing to do and no place to be until eight. I just ended parking the car in an inappropriate and slightly illegal spot to gain optimum vantage particulars.
It was one of those times when you wish more than anything that you had the artistic skills to accurately capture the way everything looks, sounds and feels at that one symphonic moment. To accurately describe the harmonious intertwining when the sky looks like a water colour of pink and blue, and just inconceivably fresh; the perfect song for that one moment creeping onto my iPod and the general sleepiness of soon to be bustling streets while the Christmas lights twinkle above you. I ended up with the almost overwhelming urge to cry. Not sure why, mind.
It's just, when it all looks serene and virginal, it's so easy to believe that life is simple.
That even though I'm usually itching to share the view with someone, being alone is preferable somehow, as it allows you to get lost in your own thoughts. It's like sitting on my windowsill when it's completely dark and you can see all the stars or walking on a tempestuous beach with the wind tugging at your hair and feeling the delicate spray of the waves on your face.
Moments that really let you know you're alive.

You see, Jess? This is why I'm terrified of going to university in September. I'm really, really weird.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye

it's funny,
that even if you've been expecting something for a while, it absolutely guts you when it happens.

Pauline Abbott 1960 - 2009

Saturday, 5 December 2009

the college try

It looks so grand and beautiful, doesn't it?
It makes me excited to be going there, it just looks like how I pictured university as a kid.

but I still can't believe I'll actually be living there in about nine months, it makes me feel slightly small. I'm hoping that's natural, though?
Applying for accommodation is blowing my mind.
Meal plan or self catered? The Vale or Pritchatts Park? Could I cope with sharing a bathroom?
So many unanswerable questions.
One thaaaang's fo' sho, me and Alix will be tearing up the midlands

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

absence makes the heart grow fonder, fondness makes the absence longer

I wouldn't care, 'cause machines are for the birds

Sherri DuPree Bemis has just officially been added to my extensive list of girl heros.
(We even wear the same perfume apparently), wonderfuly shoe-gazey tunes from Sherri and her adorably smittten hubby Say Anything's Max Bemis. Aaaahhhhh

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Going to let your bridge burn, with your secretive pining

I'm currently in the blackest mood (for which I'll probably apologise profusely later) but this is part of that whole ''being honest that I'm flawed" thing. I'm not going to pretend that everything's peachy when tonight it feels like the murkiest shade of grey.
Truth? Is I'm so freaking sick of feeling like I have to consistently prove myself to you, to be worthy of you. Fuck it, it's so truly exhausting and I'm just so utterly done with feeling like I'm below you. And you, you just don't know me, so back the hell off.
I'm back to wishing I had something, anything that is mine and I can hold onto. Because it seems that there's nothing that isn't bathed in someone else's glory. I just really, really need to find that thing. Someone or something that actually sees and appreciates me for me, rather than molds and tears and picks at me. Finally, after years of searching, I've found out who I actually am, and realised just what is really important to me, and I'm so furious that I constantly have to compromise, to condense that person to fit in with other people. Of pushing, and sacrificing and getting less than nothing back in return.
Truth? Feelings of being bruised, torn down and crushed every single day are getting a little tired. Where were you?