Thursday, 31 December 2009

Best of 2009

It's closing in on two, I'm in my sweats and my really rather super vixen tshirt with an indulgently large glass of (parentally sponsored) white wine watching the first series of the big bang theory to try and rebuff the fear that comes with careering headfirst into the third decade of my existence.
Some pure, unadulterated highlights:
- Reading 2009, three slightly unsanitary days of music, music, bonfires, cider and music
- getting my act together enough to pass my A Levels and kiss goodbye to Tonbridge Grammar School for girls (with - for me - impressively few tears) for good
- The acest birthday ever
- 'Geeks and Freeks' night, Richard 'le saucy' Coatsworth playing me electric feel after hours of pleading, Fia trying to unpin her shorts enough to pee, cartwheels, vomit and takeaway pizza
- an unconventional valentines day and the demise of my favourite boots
- writing a song that gives me chills to listen back to
- SH09, meeting some fairly inspiring people and stripping my faith back to the radical basics
- a summer spent outside and still managing to remain the palest person you'll meet
- Paris. Beautiful, hilarious and perfect in a really cool, fucked up way
- the party that time forgot
- Three weeks immersing myself in American culture and counterculture, picking up some fairly awesome treats en route
- Finding a faux Luella dress for prom
- The fact that there were llamas at our prom
- A prom spent singing Bon Jovi with the greatest people
- Blowing more money in Topshop than I care to recount
- Discovering an entire genre of bands that kick copious amounts of ass without ever missing a beat or getting a perfectly coiffed hair out of place
- A week in New-key, seagulls, slightly dubious clubs and extremely dubious cocktails
- Spending a whole year head over mary-janes in love
- Starting a new job that simultaneously gives back and I enjoy doing
- Pretending to be mature enough to go for dinner before people start their uni adventures then ending up with an all-you-can-eat takeaway buffet picnic in Sainsbury's car park
- Freaking finally passing my bleeding driving test (well, they DO say fourth time lucky. Sometimes)
- The winter wonderland of Diciembre '09
- A pretend Christmas that rivalled the real one for the 'warm fuzzy' feelings

Thanks to everyone that made this year the best yet, let's make 2010 our year.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

my heart is a wasp's nest

and i feel like it's breaking when i think about it.
i can't go on hurting like this

I gasp like sugar and spice

Totally not what any of us were expecting, but we had an ace night.
We blew off the 'hottest' club night Sunny Tunny has to offer in favour of mooching around in High Brooms. Highlights include Richard nearly killing me while me and Franz Kafka hunted down some nachos (AND WE ATE THE EFFING JALAPENOS AND NEARLY KILLED OURSELVES then realised that the cheese was gross and stringy so left the remains for the hedgehogs), ''jizzy mittens'', my first drive thru experience, honking repeatedly at greasey teens in gilets, running around the massive Tescos hunting for 'the Grand Drapper' only to be sorely disappointed, running barefoot through snow, drinking Buttercup cough syrup (do you remember the song?) and too many quotes to possibly recount.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

The quiet things that no one ever knows

The world always looks like a much nicer place when it first starts getting light.
Due to a bizarre and unpredicted twist of fate, I ended up in a quintessential 'Kentish' town at just past seven am this morning, with nothing to do and no place to be until eight. I just ended parking the car in an inappropriate and slightly illegal spot to gain optimum vantage particulars.
It was one of those times when you wish more than anything that you had the artistic skills to accurately capture the way everything looks, sounds and feels at that one symphonic moment. To accurately describe the harmonious intertwining when the sky looks like a water colour of pink and blue, and just inconceivably fresh; the perfect song for that one moment creeping onto my iPod and the general sleepiness of soon to be bustling streets while the Christmas lights twinkle above you. I ended up with the almost overwhelming urge to cry. Not sure why, mind.
It's just, when it all looks serene and virginal, it's so easy to believe that life is simple.
That even though I'm usually itching to share the view with someone, being alone is preferable somehow, as it allows you to get lost in your own thoughts. It's like sitting on my windowsill when it's completely dark and you can see all the stars or walking on a tempestuous beach with the wind tugging at your hair and feeling the delicate spray of the waves on your face.
Moments that really let you know you're alive.

You see, Jess? This is why I'm terrified of going to university in September. I'm really, really weird.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye

it's funny,
that even if you've been expecting something for a while, it absolutely guts you when it happens.

Pauline Abbott 1960 - 2009

Saturday, 5 December 2009

the college try

It looks so grand and beautiful, doesn't it?
It makes me excited to be going there, it just looks like how I pictured university as a kid.

but I still can't believe I'll actually be living there in about nine months, it makes me feel slightly small. I'm hoping that's natural, though?
Applying for accommodation is blowing my mind.
Meal plan or self catered? The Vale or Pritchatts Park? Could I cope with sharing a bathroom?
So many unanswerable questions.
One thaaaang's fo' sho, me and Alix will be tearing up the midlands

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

absence makes the heart grow fonder, fondness makes the absence longer

I wouldn't care, 'cause machines are for the birds

Sherri DuPree Bemis has just officially been added to my extensive list of girl heros.
(We even wear the same perfume apparently), wonderfuly shoe-gazey tunes from Sherri and her adorably smittten hubby Say Anything's Max Bemis. Aaaahhhhh

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Going to let your bridge burn, with your secretive pining

I'm currently in the blackest mood (for which I'll probably apologise profusely later) but this is part of that whole ''being honest that I'm flawed" thing. I'm not going to pretend that everything's peachy when tonight it feels like the murkiest shade of grey.
Truth? Is I'm so freaking sick of feeling like I have to consistently prove myself to you, to be worthy of you. Fuck it, it's so truly exhausting and I'm just so utterly done with feeling like I'm below you. And you, you just don't know me, so back the hell off.
I'm back to wishing I had something, anything that is mine and I can hold onto. Because it seems that there's nothing that isn't bathed in someone else's glory. I just really, really need to find that thing. Someone or something that actually sees and appreciates me for me, rather than molds and tears and picks at me. Finally, after years of searching, I've found out who I actually am, and realised just what is really important to me, and I'm so furious that I constantly have to compromise, to condense that person to fit in with other people. Of pushing, and sacrificing and getting less than nothing back in return.
Truth? Feelings of being bruised, torn down and crushed every single day are getting a little tired. Where were you?

Monday, 30 November 2009

they're just jealous cause we're young and in love

I cannot wait for this reunion
woolly jumpers + best friends + insane amounts of food + catching up = ♥
katy fry, beth stephens, sabrina kandoria, louise skinner, alix hope, sophie sabin, adam johnson, imogen buttery, fia leader and sophie brooks; i adore you all

Friday, 27 November 2009

Things I wish for:

♥ to be the girl in the 'Miss Dior Cherie' adverts
♥ that people would stop pretending homeless people don't exist
♥ to be able to walk into Topshop and casually select whatever I wanted to wear for that day
♥ that I could own a little black pug and call it Yoshi
♥ write something that really means something to someone
♥ to have hair like Zooey Deschanel
♥ to be properly able to put Isaiah 60 into action
♥ keep close to the people that mean the most
♥ to see the world
P.S. If you get a chance, pick up this week's copy of the Big Issue. The exclusive interview with Bob Dylan about his Christmas record is pretty killer.
Oh, and download Scholars 'Hydrochaesin' for free from

Thursday, 26 November 2009

oh seventeen, seventeen

My baby sister turned seventeen today.
Despite her pinching my adorable yellow coat to wear to school; we had the best evening in my all time favourite, super kitschy, Mexican restaurant. Where we gorged ourselves on nachos, burritos, rice, Mojitos, chilli, lemon sorbet and cheesecake while relentlessly mocking the crap hole that is where we live, and getting nostalgic about those other sixteen birthdays.
Seeing Bethany Rose Stephens in her now native Southampton today was also pretty wonderful.
"We're soulmates" ♥

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

“I’ll never be perfect. I’m not talking about just looks or things like that, but in every part of life. I’ll always be flawed. The greatest feeling is knowing that I don’t have to be right. I've been ashamed and am still ashamed of things I’ve felt: hate, jealousy, lust, fear, pride, self consciousness, pure anger, pity, just plain hurt.” - Hayley Williams 29/10/09

I'm slowing coming to really understand the classic cheesey religious quote, ''being a Christian isn't about being perfect, it's about accepting that you aren't and having a relationship with the One that is." That even it's ok to be messed up, because everyone is. That following the rules isn't as important a part of what I believe as having grace abound so deeply within me, and that's pretty liberating.

Life will lived differently as of now.

Friday, 13 November 2009

I've now, officially, started my job as a care worker.
Its, as was described to me by a colleague who I'm sure will end up a friend, 'not for the faint hearted,' but I've really surprised myself: I love it.
It's essentially just hanging out with, and helping out old people, making cups of tea and mundane chatter. But you really get the impression that even simply by showing up and doing what you're paid to, that you're making a real difference to their lives = genuine job satisfaction.
That being said, it's my day off today and I'm relishing the fact that it's nearly one and I'm still in pyjamas, on my fourth cup of tea (two sugars) watching the Gilmore Girls.
But, such is life, huh?

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

What's in your heart?

Henry went to Paris - Tellison

I put 'Hanover, start clapping' on my Paris mixtape and it's become one of those really evocative songs that I know however many years from now, will instantly bring back memories of sitting on Le Metro with my boy, giggling or making plans to walk from L'Arc de Triomphe to the gardens outside the Louvre.
I promise that this blog'll stop being so smitten and sugary sweet sometime soon, but right now I'm just revelling in the feeling that I'm finally living out my Sarra Manning dreams.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

oh, hello hormones

Here's a random fact about myself that i'm not so proud of:
i'm terrified that i'm replacable.
And that fact allows me to get upset over things that weren't meant to hurt me, and i'm really praying hard that I learn to get over this, but sometimes this seems too big to climb.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Friday, 23 October 2009

the feel of your pulse keeps me up at night

Sheffield was super ♥
(Rain; the ruin of my adorable Topshop mary janes (and consequently the smell of wet suede permeating every inch of his flat) and the feeling that drama follows me around like a puppy dog aside)
Highlights include being the only girl in a club wearing jeans and a sweater, the discovery of 'apple jack,' the fountain at the station, Nandos, sharing a pint of cider through a straw, the wheel of Sheffield, shopping, seeing an old friend, 'the bottle of Becks with the wolf please?', the bartender commenting on my dress, RUN DMC, dancing on the stage, little kisses, Canterbury/themotherfuckingcancerbats/Billy Talent, late night study sessions and Rocky bars.
Plus, I managed not to cry on the bus home, which was a one up on the time before when I snivelled all the way to Leicester.
The countdown to Paris officially starts now.

We're into the studio to record my favourite song of ours, which should hopefully be on iTunes before the end of the year (HOW ACE IS THAT?) which means a horribly early start, but I'll try and catch a few cheeky nods on the tube. But I finally finished the lyrics around Milton Keynes and think I like them, referenced Tubelord so it can't be that bad.

On a more domestic note, I really, really, mega miss people. Not even those at university but those closer to home who I just don't see as much as I'd really like to.
I'm trying to kick it old skool and organise a year ten-esque girlie sleepover - slasher flicks/unironic rom coms/Archers/pizza and giggling in hushed whispers about love, sex, friendship and anything, everything in between.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

still I wanted to tell you that I love you the best

I am terrible at packing. I really am.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a total Monica and love making lists of things to pack and I'm a dab hand at fitting impossible amounts of clothes into small spaces, but I'm awful at deciding what I should pack and what the National Express won't allow space for on their coaches.
It's because I like to dress to fit my mood, and it's frustrating when I want to wear something but then discover that I haven't got it in my H&M holdall.
I'm sorry if this spills over into cliched and cloying, because I deplore that girl as much as anyone, but I hate being so far away from the boy that is my boyfriend, best friend and all round swell kinda guy. It literally makes me ache.
So now I've got the good kind of butterflies because this time tomorrow I'll be in the city of steel and I can almost guarantee that, 407 days since the first time, my heart will have melted into a pool of girly slush at his feet.

Monday, 12 October 2009

I don't know who you think you are, but before the night is through, I want to do bad things with you

As of 7th of shocktober 2009, boring, mundane Wednesday has officially become no-human-contact Wednesday.
True blood. It's that good.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

the time has come for colds and overcoats

Gaaaahhh meant to working this weekend to try and actually be able to pay off various debts (to my bandmates and boyfriend mostly) and actually be able to call that faux Chanel topshop cardigan my very own. But much to my disgust, after discovering that the car urgently needs to visit the nearest and greasiest mechanics, that goal proved impossible. Unless I was open to getting a train to the nearest station then pay for a twenty minute taxi ride at four in the morning, or risk walking a distinctly rape-y looking path in the pitch black totally alone.
So, tonight was spent curled up on the sofa, arm in arm with my mother watching the X Factor with a large glass of rosé, debating the merits of Cheryl Cole's delightfully fashion forward frocks and joining the rest of the nation in outrage at Dannii 'what grown woman spells her name that way? really' Minogue's very gossip friendly comments. Which proved more than tolerable, really. (The evening, not what that bitchy little Aussie said.)

Spent the last two weekends enjoying the luxury of some serious 'me' time, after a summer spent tumbling between friends, family, America and the boy. Which is why it was beyond wonderful to take the time to do the little things I relish and that make me who I am. Like having dinner with friends, walking the dog in the autumn leaves with my family, pouring over fashion magazines, downloading Belle and Sebastian's vicarious back catalogue, watching Juno AGAIN, whiling away hours in the perfume department of House of Frasers to pick out my next signature fragrance (leaning towards Paul Smith 'Roses' right now), making the time to kick off my transatlantic reading list, painting my nails a fetching shade of pink and picking out my sartorial and delectable fashion choices for A/W 09. I realise its probably less than altruistic but they call it retail therapy for a reason. See, I undertook my seasonal ritual of trawling the shops of my home town and making a mental wishlist for the coming months of cold breezes and hot drinks.

However, in the very selections I made, I realised with mild horror that I'm definitely closing in on being mature and 'adult.' Like things that I loved passionately about a year ago (like a lot of the more candied spectrum of the 'pop punk' genre, or coating my peepers in eyeliner) have begun to irritate me a little, and I now find myself more drawn to 'interesting' indie rock and quirky yet classic attire. What does this mean?
I'm not sure yet, but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

will someone buy me one pleeeeeeease?

maybe i should just turn this into a blog appreciating the comic and 'awwwww' factors of these marvellous little dogs?

Monday, 28 September 2009

Oh, blogger, i prefer you to tumblr

but this intrigued me

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:
10. i wish you wouldn't be so distant because i miss you so very much
9. sometimes i think you saved my life. you seem to get me completely, and i just wish you were happier
8. you can be so screamingly selfish, and you need to stop treating them like that, but i can't ever seem to hold it against you
7. it makes me afraid that i might not be able to keep you forever
6. i'm sorry for the way things are, and i admit it's my fault. i'm trying to rectify things
5. i'm not afraid of all the demons you've got
4. i don't really know you, but i pretty much wish i was you
3. i wish you'd learn to listen to me
2. despite the fact stuff is sometimes awkward, i think we might end up being best friends
1. i feel responsible for how you've turned out. but i like that deep down, you're still you

Nine things about myself:
9. i love my freckles, moles and scars 8. i'm fighting against my own sense of apathy, jealousy and anxiety 7. i wish i was smaller and less angular, amongst other things 6. fifteen minutes into (500) days of summer i knew it was going to be my favourite film 5. i'm pretty sure that tea runs in my veins instead of blood 4. i'm a sucker for anything that comes in a quirky bottle or tin 3. i want to be speak five different languages before twenty five. i'm on two so far 2. i often wake up with advert jingles in my head 1. i have thousands of dreams of who i'd like to be but i can never seem to pin down one road to follow. i always realise things too late.

Eight ways to win my heart in relationships:
8. buy me freesias or gerberas 7. be elusive but not rude, sweet but not saccharine 6.tell me your secrets and listen to mine 5. be your own person, question things, don't buy into a specific 'scene.' be generally intelligent 4. banter with me 3. be passionate about something 2. get on with my family 1. hold my hand in the street

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
7. i'm hungry 6. i wish they were here 5. the rose print skirt from urban outfitters 4. i want to change things 3. lyrics 2. why do i never feel like i quite belong 1. i need a cup of tea

Six things I do before I fall asleep:
6. pray 5. set my hello kitty alarm clock 4. pee 3. make a cup of tea 2. read 1. wriggle til i'm comfortable

Five people who mean a lot:
any five people that can make me laugh and get me.

Four things you’re wearing right now:
4. my brand new hoody (i so love jesse lacey) 3. floral print leggings 2. white crocheted top (my version of pajamas) 1. heart detailed silver ring

Three songs that you listen to often:
3. anthems for a seventeen year old girl 2.pachuca sunrise 1. all babes are wolves

Two things you want to do before you die:
2. visit every continent 1. understand myself

One confession:
1. i'm afraid of the dark

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

this genuinely makes me so happy

Friday, 18 September 2009

Nothing's going to touch you in these golden years

So, last night two of my very best friends in the world left.
For two totally distinct, diverse and most significantly, different cities.
And as much as I'm sure their going will be this exciting and incredible adventure for them, its pretty hard to see the benefits of that when its half one in the morning and you have this sobbing mess of a girl wrapped up in a very 'Switchblade Sisters' group hug, that most probably smells slightly of cider, because she can't quite bare to say goodbye.
Now's probably not the right time to rationally process and deal with all these feelings fluttering under my ribcage, because I've just worked a twelve hour shift, its now very, very late and my feet won't stop aching. But I've never really been one for logical cognitive thought processes.
I'm just horribly sad. And I really don't think there's anything wrong with that, because it's gruelling getting on board with the fact that the people I love vast, indefinite amounts will be scattered across the country, and not merely a quick bus ride away from me. But it's not a heavy oppressive kind of sad, its more nostalgic and a little nervous.

Playlist for 20.09.09
♥ David Bowie -Golden Years
♥ Alphaville - Forever Young
♥ Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
♥ Frank Turner - You Are My Sunshine
♥ Metric -Gimme Sympathy
♥ Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

A moment, a love, a dream aloud

a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs
There is no possible way I could have loved that film anymore.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Get me out of this place
because I'm stuck in a rut and can't stomach the taste.
My lungs are filling up with dust
I feel broken and bruised; there's no one left to trust.

Friday, 11 September 2009

HOW adorable is this jacket? Tres parisian chique ♥
It looks what you'd wear whilst sitting in a café in Monmartre, sipping a freshly percolated coffee reading something by Emile Zola (my advice? don't start with Nana. ease into his downbeat realism with uber romantic Le Rêve) with Regina Spektor on your trusty ipod.
I get all choked up with excitement when trying to talk about my impending trip to the city of love, I'm verging on starting a mental countdown.
If you've got a free minute on, check out the track 'trying my best to love you' from Jenny Lewis's record Acid Tongue. As if she needed to prove how incredible she is after years in Rilo Kiley, she collaborates with She & Him and Elvis Costello. A-freaking-mazing.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

September is coming soon,
my heart is pining for the moon

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Certainly Not The Average Girl

If I were a Sarra Manning heroine (like my all time favourites Edie Wheeler or Molly Montgomery) this'd be my second novel.
Please don't judge me on the enormous pretentiousness of comparing myself to a fictional character, although I relate seamlessly to every girl she writes about, all I meant was that this blog is about new beginnings. But, I figured a little introduction does no harm.

♥ Live music is my absolute passion.
♥ I'm not a massive fan of alcohopops, I prefer to drink Coronas or Southern Comfort and lemonade, though I'll have to change them when winter properly kicks in. I have specific seasons for everything.
♥ Zooey Deschanel is my ultimate girl crush, although Hayley Williams and Kristen Stewart come in a close second.
♥ Edinburgh is my favourite city in the UK, but I'm incredibly partial to the sunny South East
♥ Freesias are the most beautiful flowers in the world
♥ My guilty pleasures in life are watching late night re-runs of Gossip Girl and Gilmore Girls whilst tucked up in my bed, with an enormous cup of tea. Oh, and big bags of skittles.
♥ I'm petrified of open water and being trapped in a rut for the rest of my life.
♥ I strongly believe in God, love and the healing power of a hot soak with L'Occitaine Green Tea bubble bath.
♥ Despite the impression this blog'll probably give off, I adore other people and I'm pretty hard on myself. My family are wonderful in their chaos, my friends are as close to my heart as the tendons, my boyfriend often leaves me awestruck and people I hardly know can so easily fascinate me and make my day.
♥ is how my world would look.

So, like the Velvet Underground so aptly said, not the average girl.